Letting Go and Moving Forward

I have spent a large portion of my life and an immense amount of time trying to be who others wanted me to be.

Now you may ask "But why would anyone do that?" or "Why try to please others?" or even "What was the point?"

Any and all those questions are valid and make important points about who I was and who I want to be. I have always felt like the outsider in a tight knit family. Not because I am anti social. I am most certainly social. I just happen to be incredibly shy for the most part and am not comfortable exerting myself in front of loud, overbearing personalities.

I am more introspective and rarely express my true feelings in public. I have never been one to "go off" in public. (At home-sure lol). I tend to keep a significant distance between myself and people I am unsure of. I have been stabbed in the back too many times to count. I have trust issues. One tends to have trust issues when their mother abandons them because she is a raging alcoholic.

I am not everyone cup of tea. I am introverted, shy, a bit of a loner, but I am also quirky and and a bit odd, sarcastic and at times a bit dreamy. I have spent a lifetime trying to fit "in" but its mostly been like trying to shove a square block in a circle opening. I don't "fit" in any way, shape, or form.

Don't ask me why--it's any combination of things...traumatizing childhood, teenage years spent living with a father who loved me but certainly didn't know what to do with me, comparisons made to other family members, lack of coordination, overly geeky, manically boy crazy, loneliness, too much time spent with my head in a book,and just generally not knowing what to say or do at any given time.

I have been so uncomfortable with myself that I literally tried to disappear under a food addiction. I couldn't deal with myself or my life so I ate. I ballooned up to and then over 300 lbs. It was soul crushing. When I finally lost the weight --I still hadn't truly dealt with myself and then proceeded to have what I can only explain as a total breakdown. I ran away from life and then almost lost my life because of it. I ran headlong into a violent nightmare.

Luckily for me there was a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband who saw through the bullshit and pain and saw me for me. He never really gave up on me. We worked REALLY, REALLY hard to fix things and start over and lo and behold God blessed us with the most beautiful, funny, charming, breathtaking, delightful little girl. I made it through the dark and was living in the light.

Or so I thought. Recently, it was brought to my attention that I tend to make family functions awkward and tense with my mere presence. Now, whether it is because of the past, or whether people think that my shyness is bitchiness, or that I don't appropriately acknowledge people or perhaps it is all of the above. I don't know. What I do know  is I have unknowingly pissed off a majority of relatives.

Now here is where the difference lies from the old me to the new me. In the past I would have agonized over everything that was said. Taken every word as gospel and let it tear me up inside until I had reached maximum depression over the whole thing. I probably would have written some sort of apologetic note to the offended parties and begged for forgiveness. I would have cried and lamented over what a horrible person I was and how I should be better and different. I would have done all those things and then I most likely  would have even groveled a bit.

But here is the thing--three years ago I almost lost my life in what can only be described as a night of sheer m**therf**king terror. Everything changed for me the morning I got out alive. EVERYTHING.

So whereas in the past a thing like a break with the family would have tore me to pieces..now I am just at peace with it. I don't need to apologize for my past. I don't need to defend myself. They don't know me or my whole story, nor would they understand it either.

They are not my family--they are just relatives. My family are the people who know me, know my whole story, forgive me when I make mistakes (BIG and small), love me with all my quirks and oddities and appreciate me not just for what I do but for how far I have come.

I am never going to "fit" into any one's expectations of who I should be. I can't. Not anymore. Today I can only live for me and what I want to do and who I want to be. Right now, I want to be the best mother and wife I can be while improving myself each day.

Time has come to let go and move on...

Spring and the Promise of New Beginnings

So finally the spring is beginning to feel like it will arrive in days not months and months! 

First official sign of Spring for me since moving to Pottstown a few years ago is the influx of classic cars on the road and the promise of the First Saturday car shows on High Street loom ever nearer. The hubby and I really do enjoy strolling downtown on those lazy summer Saturdays looking at all the cars and smelling all the food from the different vendors ...oh such fun! 

And with Spring here the allure of summer looms and I can't wait to indulge in some fun times with the little one this summer! She is mobile and so interested in different things that I just know that this spring and summer in Pottstown will be full of fun things to do.


I love Spring because it ignites a spark in me. I feel full of possibilities and look forward to the days I can spend doing activities with the sweet pea and taking some time for myself as well. 

This spring I am going to start training to do some 5ks in the area. I am going to start small and keep working towards my goals. But I definitely feel the need to start running and get back into pre-baby shape. She is 18 months now and I really want to get back down to my goal weight so this spring and summer that is definitely on my list of things to accomplish.

I love the sweet smell of Spring and all it whispers and promises...it is one of my favorite times of year. How do you celebrate the coming of Spring?

Till next time!!
Much luv!!
Laura

Living Life in the Toddler Lane

So, my last post was about how my life has suddenly taken on a rate of speed unlike any I have ever known. And it has truly been like racing full speed down a mountain with no way to stop!

The SweetPea is growing so quickly and changing everyday it is at times hard to keep up! She has definitely found her personality and it is best described as "sassy" and a little bit mischievous. She is quite the character on a daily basis, but in the last few weeks she has really amped up her personality and her demeanor. We are quickly coming to the realization that she is not going to follow any body's rules EVER. She is her own little person with her own little way of doing things and at this point it is pretty much HER WAY or the HIGHWAY.

Such is the life of a toddler. My house usually looks like it has been hit by a hurricane or a tornado depending on the Sweetpea's mood. She loves to pull out every single toy she owns and spread it across and through every room of the house. God forbid I start picking anything up--she will be right behind pulling it all out again! LOL

She makes me smile though. Today her daddy was listening to music in the back room (Which doubles as an office/exercises area) and there she was up on the treadmill like it was a stage dancing around,  laughing, and singing in her little toddler way to her hearts content. And then she was climbing up onto the couch and standing at the window yelling at the birds in the back yard. Whatever catches her fancy and makes her happy is all good in my book!

She does have one slightly troublesome quirk though that I can not find a resolution to no matter how hard I try. She hates, HATES, HATES with a  fiery passion sitting in her car seat. She is good for about 5 minutes and then all hell breaks loose. She does not like being strapped into anything! Her stroller, the buggy at school, the high chair...she hates the straps and being buckled in but it is worse in the car because there is no way for her to scooch out of the straps. Driving anywhere that is further than ten minutes these days is headache inducing for both me and the hubby. I need to find some way to get her over this hump. We tried toys, a mirror, sippy cups, cheerios, music....nothing works. Sigh--any advice out there?? It would be much appreciated!!

Overall though she makes me smile more than I have ever smiled in my life! She continues to amaze and fascinate me every day and so I don't mind the messy house (OK OK I do it bugs me to no end!!!) but I do love her little face to pieces so I'll just keep running after her and cleaning up the messes as they fall! It's what makes Mommyhood so rewarding....and exhausting!!

Less Like a Journey and More Like a Race

So here is the thing I have figured out since becoming a mommy to a VERY active toddler...gone are the days of leisurely naps and snuggling, playing quietly on the play mat or spending hours at a time in an excersaucer, or swing. Life has sudden taken on a quality that can only be described as going full throttle into hyper speed! 

The Sweet Pea now wants to do everything her way and on her schedule. For a 16 month old she is surprisingly independent and fiercely so.  She has her mind set to do certain things and there is no swaying her. Now I am all for letting her stretch her wings and explore her world and utilize her creativity and problem solving skills, however, these are best left for when we have LOOOONNG stretches of time before us and not at six am when I am trying to hustle my husband, myself and her out the door for work and school.

Yes, I returned to work in September and the learning curve for me on the balance of motherhood and working has been steep. I had a terrible time of it at first, trying to manage my time and get everything done. We have sort of hit a nice rhythm these six months in ,but the Sweet Pea's need for independence is beginning to throw a wrench into my carefully timed mornings. I literally need to be dropping her off at child care at 6:30 am and be back on 422 by 6:45 in order to make it to work on time. (Because as most of us are well aware --422 is just a joy of a road to be on in rush hour traffic!!)

So yes, less of leisurely journey through motherhood and more of a NASCAR race to the finish, but at the end of the day when I go to pick her up and she is so joyfully happy to see me yet doesn't want to leave all her new friends I know it was the right decision to go back to work.

So yes, more to come on the joys, wonders and trials of being a working mommy to a fierce yet adorable little toddler!!

Till next time!
Laura

Finding Miracles

Sleep eludes me for long periods at night. It is not so much insomnia as it is my own mind racing with all the thoughts that clamber about in my head. Thoughts about my role as a mother, a wife,a daughter, a sister a friend. Thoughts about my place in this world and what legacy I will leave my daughter. Thoughts about my career path, my new position in a new school, my life as it were in general. I think about writing, about words, stories, characters, plots that drift through my slumber and are so real, so vivid it is as though I am there on the page in my mind with them. I've written a hundred books in my head only to have the words dissipate as I awaken.

My thoughts consume my night hours. My worries overwhelm, my anxiety heightens, as I continue to race through the minefield that is my mind. Stress aggravates my nightly thoughts (Big surprise there I know) but so does the quiet. The infinite stillness that night brings when I only hear the rhythmic breathing of my husband and my baby as they slumber brings forth a cacophony of noise in my mind. I lay restless. Tossing, turning, writhing with need for deep uninterrupted sleep with no thoughts, no dreams. For there are the times when sleep comes heavy upon my mind and then lashes me with an assault of nightmares. Doctors say when you have experienced a horrific event it stays with you. Time does not always heal all wounds but time does lessen the sting. Or so I am told.

I have learned to "Be Still" and know that God is there. To release my racing heart, my fleeting thoughts, my fears and find peace. I turn to a place in my heart where I know miracles exist and can be called forth. My miracle? I have had many these past few years --the most thrilling miracle of all is my daughter. I am blessed. I know that. But still the mind yammers with a deluge of thoughts. I haven't learned to quiet all the external noise just yet. But I am working on it everyday. I am guided. I see true miracles. Yet,I know I still need to let go of the external hurt and pain and just live in the quietness of peace.

Returning to a place of love isn't always easy. Letting go of past hurts, of pains, of anguishes isn't easy. But there comes a realization that one must find a way to have peace within themselves or life will always be a struggle. I don't come to peace easily. I spent most of my young adult life worried about how I was perceived. Was I pretty enough? Smart enough? Charming enough? Talented enough? Did it matter that my IQ was 144--I sucked at math I must be defective. I was not outgoing, I was shy. I must be defective. I couldn't play sports. I must be defective. I wasn't blond. I must be defective. I went to a public high school. I must be defective. I didn't have a boyfriend. I must be defective. And on and on and on. A litany of self loathing that I internalized and used against myself.

Until there came an event that changed everything for me.( Near death experiences have that effect on people I am told.) It was as if my entire life came sharply into focus and I said "No more". No more self loathing, no more being a victim of life. It was time to actually LIVE the life I had.

As are most things in life, this was easier said than done. It takes time to reevaluate and refocus your life for the good. It isn't easy. I often liken it to a twelve step group. I have to work my way through each level and learn and grow before I can move onto the next step. Its a slow process. Thus, my sleep struggles continue.  I have issues with trust. Trusting others. Trusting myself. I am working on it. I was a grudge holder for a long time in my life. I've let go of the grudges. That was very hard. To forgive and truly let go is not easy. Some forgiveness is still being worked. Some pain has not yet been forgotten. But I am working on it.

Miracles happen. Everyday. Not just to me but to anyone who wants one. You just need to believe in it. Truly without any hesitation-you must believe. Some situations are easier than others. But at the heart of all miracles is love. Find it and return to it. Let the angels guide you. They are here watching and waiting for you to ask for their help. Obviously, I have found a deeper meaning in my faith since this all began. It is more than just praying. It is developing a deep and abiding relationship that guides me through my life. My faith is extremely important to me now in a way that is more meaningful and more loving than ever before.

 As stated in the Course in Miracles--"Miracles are seen in light". You have to move past the darkness to find the light. Only then can you give and receive miracles. Because "light and strength are one." I found my strength when I moved into the light and let go of hate. There is only love. God is love. We are love. It is with that knowledge that I find miracles.

Miracles are not once in a lifetime phenomenons. They are everyday graces that we must be open to receive. Open your heart and miracles will come your way. The biggest miracle was my daughter. She has opened up my heart in ways I never thought possible. The way I love her is a love like none on this earth. She is a gift from God and the biggest blessing I have ever received from Him. Her birth brought a litany of miracles to me. Everyday I am graced with such love and happiness. That is a miracle. Each time she smiles. Each hug. Each cuddle. Each time she says "Momma" it is a miracle. Miracles are everywhere. You just need to know how to find them.

Love may be the greatest miracle because it is love that brought me back from the brink. It was love that brought forth my daughter. It was love that propels me forward each day. So yes, the night and its infinite darkness may be long at times but I continuing the journey towards the light and finding miracles along the way.

Mommy Rule #1 :To Thine Routine Be True

This is the first post in an occasional series I will be writing on the wisdom I gain while mothering the Sweet Pea. These are the Mommy Rules. However, I just want to state that these little gems are in no way being given as professional or medical advice. These are simply things I have learned or discovered that are true for me and the Sweet Pea. All children, especially babies, are different, as are mothering styles. This is just my take on the experiences I have with my child. I am not, I repeat, I am not telling anyone how to raise their child! (I just wanted to get that out of the way first.)

Mommy Rule # 1 : To Thine Routine Be True

The past few days I learned something very important about my darling child. She does not like changes in her routine in any way, shape, or form!!

Over the past few months, the Sweet Pea and I have established a pretty predictable routine and schedule. A typical day for the Sweet Pea looks a bit like this:

6:15-6:30 a.m wake up and have diaper changed
6:30-7:00 have first bottle of the day and cuddle with Mommy
7:00-8:00 play on mat, or in exersaucer, practice trying to crawl, or just roll all over
8:00-9:00 another diaper change
9:00-10:00 have cereal -make huge mess while being encouraged to feed self and drink from cup--laugh hysterically at mess-- enjoy food immensely
10:00 -11:00 play in back room with Mommy
11:00-11:30 usually nod off for a quick cat nap
11:30 -12:00 have a bottle and watch Sesame street episode while hanging out in chair or while mommy gets on treadmill--laugh hysterically at Mommy trying to work out
12:00 -1:00 another diaper change! More play time. Do baby art or play outside
1:00-- Lunch --make even bigger mess while eating and laugh at mess as Mommy tries to clean it up
2:00-3:00--run errands with Mommy if necessary or nod off for another quick cat nap
3:00-4:00 --have another bottle, another diaper change, hang out with Mommy in kitchen while she washes dishes or does laundry
4:00-5:00 Daddy is home! Spend time with Daddy and go on computer to Skype with Grandma and older sister who live in the mountains
5:00-6:00 Dinner time!
6:00-7:00 --wind down time, cuddle with mommy or daddy
7:00 -8:00- bath time, bottle, bed

Really that is a pretty typical day for her. And since I am a stay at home mom I can pretty much ensure that her routine doesn't ever go askew. Except for the last few days. I had to have a surgical procedure on Tuesday. So that meant on Monday I had to go over to the hospital for Pre-Admission Testing at 9 am. Thus our routine was shot to hell before lunch.

 Also, because we were at the hospital and my Lil Sweet Pea is a meatball who is not walking or crawling yet she had to stay confined to her car seat carrier. Since the Sweet Pea is just on the crux of being mobile -being confined to her carrier for almost four hours was I think a bit torturous for her. Now for the most part she was her usual, smiling, people happy self. She really did hold it together and did well. Even if she did have to take two bottles in her seat and couldn't really cuddle with Mommy.  However, it was when we got home that she just lost it completely. She just wanted to be held and not be put down. She was quick to cry and did not want to eat or play. Then I had to run out to the Pharmacy and pick up some medicine and when I put her back in the car seat she just lost it completely. It was an EPIC meltdown. I have never seen her lose it so bad before. Even the hubby, couldn't believe it. She was just a mess. It was heartbreaking for me because I knew the next day would throw her for even more of a loop.

And boy did it ever. We had to leave early for the hospital. So that threw her off. Then so did the fact that Daddy was home and with us. Then Mommy was in a hospital gown. Then Daddy was with her all day and Mommy was not. She was to say the least not a happy baby.

The procedure went well and Daddy came to get me at the hospital. But when Daddy left to go pull the car around and the nurse who was very kind tried to hold Sweet Pea while I got dressed--well all hell broke loose. Sweet Pea was having none of that. Even as groggy and dazed as I was I don't think I have ever pulled on clothes that fast in my life! I didn't even get in the wheelchair to be discharged I just carried the Sweet Pea out. Of course, as soon as I had her she was fine but then we had to put her in the car seat which lead to another epic meltdown all the way home.

When we got home hubby got me to bed and I pretty much slept for the rest of the afternoon while he dealt with the not too happy baby. She didn't even take one of her cat naps and refused to eat any food. She just took her bottles. Then last night at bed time she literally screamed herself to sleep. It was hellish.

The Sweet Pea definitely does not like her routines changed. I definitely know  now to try to keep her routine as close to normal as usual to ensure a relatively happy baby. Next time, something like this comes up that is going to disrupt more than a day for the Sweet Pea, I know to call for help or get a babysitter.

So lesson learned for this Mommy. To thine Routine be True.

Defending the Right To Be a Stay At Home Mother

I try very hard to steer clear of political issues on my blog. Not because politics doesn't interest me, it does. In fact, I actually minored in political science at WCU  before changing schools and my major. However, my zeal for a life in politics has waned. This blog's focus is on family and the life journey we are on.But that is neither here nor there. This post isn't about politics per se, but  the post was inspired by the debate sparked by a Democratic strategist by the name of Hilary Rosen.

Hilary Rosen was on Anderson Cooper's show and said the following "His wife has actually never worked a day in her life,” Rosen told Anderson Cooper. “She’s never really dealt with the kinds of economic issues that a majority of the women in this country are facing in terms of how do we feed our kids, how do we send them to school and how do we — why we worry about their future.”

This statement has nothing to do with the current  political race and more to do with the assumption that because a woman chooses to stay home and raise her children she knows nothing about the outside world. When I heard this I could only ask myself "Why do women feel the need to tear down other women?"

 Ann Romney is not clueless simply because she is a mother who stayed at home. From my research on Ann Romney it appears she is quite well educated and well spoken.She attended Brigham Young university and received her undergraduate degree from Harvard University. She also continues to live a full and active life raising her boys even after being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

 Furthermore, for Ms. Rosen to contend that Ann Romney has "never worked a day in her life" one can conclude that Ms. Rosen is unfamiliar with the trials and tribulations of raising one child, let alone five.  So for anyone who thinks staying at home and raising children is "easy" or makes us, as stay at home moms "lazy" or "uneducated" let me dispel that line of thinking. Staying home and raising a child is the hardest thing in the world. I taught in the elementary school system for over ten years, had classes with 30+ students and I never worked as hard as I do now staying home with my daughter. There are no breaks, there is no lunch hour, there are no days off,  no half days, no vacation, and there is no clocking out, because as a stay at home mother my job is NEVER done.

Let me tell you something, Ms. Rosen-- I worry everyday how I am going to feed my child, where I will send her to school, and what her future will be like. Just because I chose to stay at home does not make me an imbecile. I, not only, hold a Bachelor of Arts degree in Early Childhood and Elementary Education, I also hold an MBA (that would be a Masters in Business Administration). I understand the economic issues of the day even if I am not currently in the workforce. I am well versed on what is happening in this country. See, Ms. Rosen when you attacked Mrs. Romney and said those things about her, it is like you were saying it about all stay at home mothers because we made the choice not to go back to work after having our children. Your theory seems to be that because someone does not work they don't understand life. It seems to me Ms. Rosen, you are the one who doesn't understand life.

Staying at home is not a choice for everyone. I know plenty of mothers who make the choice to go back to work after having their child. That is a wonderful and noble choice. But it was not my choice. I would rather go without some luxuries or fancy vacations or new clothes for awhile and stay home with my little girl. But that is my choice. It doesn't mean it is the right choice for every woman who has a child. I would never expect it to be.

However, the tone of Ms. Rosen's argument on Anderson Cooper's show is that somehow being a stay at home mother makes Ann Romney someone who should not be taken seriously when she speaks. I find it insulting for someone to assume that because I am staying home with my child I can longer hold an intelligent conversation on the issues. Believe me when I say I can and will debate anyone on any number of subjects that pertain to today's issues and I will do it intelligently. I am not a moron because I choose to stay home with my child.

I can not speak for all mothers who stay at home, and honestly I am not trying to. It was just so disheartening when I read this story that a woman would go on the attack against another woman just because that woman chose to stay home. I am not saying Ms. Rosen is a bad person, but her comments were hurtful not just to Ann Romney but to me as well. Those words felt very much like an attack on the choice to stay home. In this day and age, I don't think I should have to defend my choice to stay home and raise my daughter. But if I need to then so be it.

I don't know what Ann Romney or any other stay at home mothers' reason would be to make the choice to not work but I can tell you my reason.  When I was 33 years old I was told by my doctors that it would be nearly impossible for me to conceive  a child due to my numerous and extremely serious health issues at the time. So, when I finally did get healthy and was miraculously able to conceive  and carry a baby to term I knew I could not just go back to work. This time at home is a gift. I am able to be here for every tear but also for every giggle. I work harder now than I ever did. I am in a state of constant exhaustion. But I love every minute of it. I am here to see all of my daughter's little "firsts", from her first belly laugh to her first time sitting up. I am here. For me, that is more important than any career move could be right now. But don't be fooled--I WORK my butt off everyday taking care of my bundle of joy. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

                                           *I do adore my lil Sweet Pea!!!!*

It is my hope that as women, we can respect each others choices and support each other not tear each other down or try to one up each other on accomplishments. So in that vein, I leave you with the following to ponder:

"Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs... since the payment is pure love." -- Mildred B. Vermont 

 "Though motherhood is the most important of all the professions -- requiring more knowledge than any other department in human affairs -- there was no attention given to preparation for this office." -- Elizabeth Cady Stanton

All mothers are working mothers." -- Unknown