Monday, July 9, 2012
Sleep eludes me for long periods at night. It is not so much insomnia as it is my own mind racing with all the thoughts that clamber about in my head. Thoughts about my role as a mother, a wife,a daughter, a sister a friend. Thoughts about my place in this world and what legacy I will leave my daughter. Thoughts about my career path, my new position in a new school, my life as it were in general. I think about writing, about words, stories, characters, plots that drift through my slumber and are so real, so vivid it is as though I am there on the page in my mind with them. I've written a hundred books in my head only to have the words dissipate as I awaken.
My thoughts consume my night hours. My worries overwhelm, my anxiety heightens, as I continue to race through the minefield that is my mind. Stress aggravates my nightly thoughts (Big surprise there I know) but so does the quiet. The infinite stillness that night brings when I only hear the rhythmic breathing of my husband and my baby as they slumber brings forth a cacophony of noise in my mind. I lay restless. Tossing, turning, writhing with need for deep uninterrupted sleep with no thoughts, no dreams. For there are the times when sleep comes heavy upon my mind and then lashes me with an assault of nightmares. Doctors say when you have experienced a horrific event it stays with you. Time does not always heal all wounds but time does lessen the sting. Or so I am told.
I have learned to "Be Still" and know that God is there. To release my racing heart, my fleeting thoughts, my fears and find peace. I turn to a place in my heart where I know miracles exist and can be called forth. My miracle? I have had many these past few years --the most thrilling miracle of all is my daughter. I am blessed. I know that. But still the mind yammers with a deluge of thoughts. I haven't learned to quiet all the external noise just yet. But I am working on it everyday. I am guided. I see true miracles. Yet,I know I still need to let go of the external hurt and pain and just live in the quietness of peace.
Returning to a place of love isn't always easy. Letting go of past hurts, of pains, of anguishes isn't easy. But there comes a realization that one must find a way to have peace within themselves or life will always be a struggle. I don't come to peace easily. I spent most of my young adult life worried about how I was perceived. Was I pretty enough? Smart enough? Charming enough? Talented enough? Did it matter that my IQ was 144--I sucked at math I must be defective. I was not outgoing, I was shy. I must be defective. I couldn't play sports. I must be defective. I wasn't blond. I must be defective. I went to a public high school. I must be defective. I didn't have a boyfriend. I must be defective. And on and on and on. A litany of self loathing that I internalized and used against myself.
Until there came an event that changed everything for me.( Near death experiences have that effect on people I am told.) It was as if my entire life came sharply into focus and I said "No more". No more self loathing, no more being a victim of life. It was time to actually LIVE the life I had.
As are most things in life, this was easier said than done. It takes time to reevaluate and refocus your life for the good. It isn't easy. I often liken it to a twelve step group. I have to work my way through each level and learn and grow before I can move onto the next step. Its a slow process. Thus, my sleep struggles continue. I have issues with trust. Trusting others. Trusting myself. I am working on it. I was a grudge holder for a long time in my life. I've let go of the grudges. That was very hard. To forgive and truly let go is not easy. Some forgiveness is still being worked. Some pain has not yet been forgotten. But I am working on it.
Miracles happen. Everyday. Not just to me but to anyone who wants one. You just need to believe in it. Truly without any hesitation-you must believe. Some situations are easier than others. But at the heart of all miracles is love. Find it and return to it. Let the angels guide you. They are here watching and waiting for you to ask for their help. Obviously, I have found a deeper meaning in my faith since this all began. It is more than just praying. It is developing a deep and abiding relationship that guides me through my life. My faith is extremely important to me now in a way that is more meaningful and more loving than ever before.
As stated in the Course in Miracles--"Miracles are seen in light". You have to move past the darkness to find the light. Only then can you give and receive miracles. Because "light and strength are one." I found my strength when I moved into the light and let go of hate. There is only love. God is love. We are love. It is with that knowledge that I find miracles.
Miracles are not once in a lifetime phenomenons. They are everyday graces that we must be open to receive. Open your heart and miracles will come your way. The biggest miracle was my daughter. She has opened up my heart in ways I never thought possible. The way I love her is a love like none on this earth. She is a gift from God and the biggest blessing I have ever received from Him. Her birth brought a litany of miracles to me. Everyday I am graced with such love and happiness. That is a miracle. Each time she smiles. Each hug. Each cuddle. Each time she says "Momma" it is a miracle. Miracles are everywhere. You just need to know how to find them.
Love may be the greatest miracle because it is love that brought me back from the brink. It was love that brought forth my daughter. It was love that propels me forward each day. So yes, the night and its infinite darkness may be long at times but I continuing the journey towards the light and finding miracles along the way.