Friday, August 9, 2013
Allow Me to REINTRODUCE Myself...
I want this blog to be a place of positivity and self -affirmation. I want people who stop by here to feel good. It has taken me a long time to get to this point in my life. The point in life where I am comfortable in my own skin and with who I am. It has not been an easy journey to get to the here--this moment--this space in time where I feel wholly comfortable in WHO I AM . Confidence was never my forte. So here at long last some 30+ years into my life I am finally, finally getting comfortable in my own skin.
Let me take you back a bit through my life. I was an extremely shy child, an introverted teenager with HUGE self esteem issues, and a lost twenty something. I married at 30 and thought that was my happily ever after. Problem was I was not in a place to be happy with myself and so a life long struggle with depression took over and the emotional eater that I had always been went into overdrive.
Long story short--I ballooned up and over 300lbs. My health was in serious risk. I was pre- diabetic had high blood pressure, high cholesterol had arthritis, bad knees, bad hips, and lower back pain that was excruciating and I was also on my way to a serious coronary episode. My doctors told me if I didn't do something soon--I would have a heart attack within months. But that was the only scary thing they told me they also said because I was morbidly obese I would never be able to get pregnant or carry a child to full term. (I had ALWAYS wanted to be a mother so that bit of news was especially devastating and more frightening than a pending heart attack.) I had to do something. I was slowly killing myself and I realized I did not want to die. Not this young, not like this, not with so many wishes and dreams unfulfilled...I was beyond scared.
So in order to avert annihilation --I opted for a drastic last resort. I chose surgery. Gastric Bypass to be exact. (And if anyone out there DARES to say it was the easy way out than you know nothing about this surgery. It was anything but easy!!) Gastric Bypass is not a cure all. It helps you lose a lot of weight in a short amount of time. It does not cure you of a food addiction or solve all your problems. It is not even a guarantee of being skinny. It is a tool to help you get healthy when you are in desperate need of being healthy.
So I lost a significant amount of weight (176lbs to be exact) but that didn't change me on the inside. I still grappled with who I was and who I wanted to be. I wasn't loving myself--I didn't know how. The outside was different but the inside was still the same twisted wreck as always.
Then came an event that changed everything for me. I was physically assaulted terrorized, and almost killed by a psychopathic loon. In one terrifying night I finally saw the light. I was worth more than I ever thought. It was a strange epiphany to be having when you are fighting for your life, fighting for air to breathe as it is choked out of you...fighting as your head is slammed over and over into a wall and then thrown onto the floor...feeling myself dragged across the floor...I kept seeing myself as if I was floating above the nightmare...watching the bruises form...knowing the unspeakable was happening ...hearing the horrific words he kept yelling...knowing death was going to come too slowly...he was enjoying the pain I was in too much. He was gleeful. I was cold.
I have never known such raw fear in my life and I hope no one ever has to experience that heinous fear. I was alone more so than I had ever been and yet at some point a feeling of peace came over me because...In the misty haze of that night I knew only one thing--if I got out alive I would be different.
I am different now. My life has a feeling of being split in two. There is the life I had before that night and the life I have after. I am not same person I was before that night. She is long gone--a forgotten memory, floating off into the night sky. With her went a lot of my internal battles. They were meaningless battles after that night.
No, I did not just wake up and find myself in this place. There was a lot of work to get here. But I got here and here is a good place to be.
The dawn did come for me. A new day arose and here I am three years later--a very proud Mommy of a very precocious 2 year old. I survived. I made it through the dark and found my light. And in the process I found myself.
I am no longer as thin as I was before I was pregnant. I am okay with that. This body I have now --she is a warrior, a survivor, and a goddamn goddess!! Five years ago I would have lamented over my lumps and bumps--now I celebrate them. I used to compare myself to every other woman out there--now I just smile and think "Hey, they are gorgeous, too!"
This is why I am changing the direction of my blog. I want to celebrate and empower women to feel good about themselves at any size! I don't want any girl to ever feel as worthless and low as I did.
There is no reason for it. We are all amazing, wonderful, fanciful, stunning creatures--no matter our age, our size, or our shape. Who cares what the scale says or the label in the dress?? Do you feel sexy? Do you feel good about yourself?? Well you SHOULD! because it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks--all that matters is that you KNOW you are beautiful!
So from here on out this blog will be about celebrating women of all sizes and shapes and ages. I want it to be a place where fashion meets positivity and creativity meets confidence! I hope you will come along on this journey with me!